Statement: Greetings Meatbag
by EDelta88
Summary: HK-47 has managed to end up in some truly unlikely places and has made a sport of surviving situations that he had no business surviving only to resurface in some unlikely or convenient place. Why not resurface one more time? A single point of divergence that leads to a VERY different galaxy as Anakin goes through life with HK's influence. Challenge and Prompts inside.
1. Observation: The Plot Has Thickened

**Statement: Greetings Meatbags**

So, this is a challenge born of a very long lecture about supply chain management and optimization given by one of the worst teachers I have ever had (1 Star on Rate my professor because we couldn't vote negative) and a few blurbs and prompts that I came up with for it.

**Warning:** This story is not to be taken seriously.

Don't even bother asking for permission, just message me when you post the first chapter.

**Challenge Concept**

HK-47 has managed to end up in some truly unlikely places and has made a sport of surviving situations that he had no business surviving only to resurface in some unlikely or convenient place. Why not resurface one more time?

A single point of divergence that leads to a VERY different galaxy as Anakin goes through life under the questionable influence of the galaxy's premier assassination droid.

**Required**

1\. This story is **not** to be taken seriously. Have fun, make us laugh, make yourself laugh while writing it!

2\. Point of divergence is Anakin using something containing HK's memories in the construction of what would have been 3PO; i.e. positronic brain, remote uplink programmed to retrieve backed up data, a poorly wiped data stick, etc.

3\. Enough of HK was left over to retrieve, repair, and propagate the rest of his memory through the new construct. In the end, HK-47 is back from the dead... again.

4\. HK meets R2... HK doesn't understand how such an inferior droid can be so effective in the ways of mayhem and decides to study him. They become the _best_ of friends.

5\. I would suggest that the Jedi take Anakin in order to have a positive influence on him for fear of what HK might convince him to do. After all, HK spent enough time around the old Jedi and Sith that he could teach the masters a thing or two and the hyper-conservative Jedi of the present worry about such things around normal students.

6\. Shmi gets free. Because HK would not allow such an obvious weakness to his master's security remain.

**Optional**

1\. It was canon at one point that if a Droid stayed sentient long enough it would develop a limited Force presence and could _potentially_ become Force-sensitive; though, the later was never confirmed.

2\. HK is HIGHLY offended by Trade Federation droids and proceeds to... _appropriate_ as many as he can for "correction." Long story short: he takes possession of said droids, he reprograms them, he retrofits them to his exacting requirements, and he will call them all "Minion."

3\. Qui-Gon lives. Why? Because HK is elated at the chance to fight a Sith again only to be somewhat disappointed when Maul fails to measure up.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Observation: The Plot Has Thickened**

**When HK Met Qui-Gon**

"Statement: I am HK-47 organic, cyborg relations. Prepare to die, meatbag."

"HK, no killing the nice offworlders."

"Protest: But master, the tall one is a Jedi."

"All the more reason."

"Query: Master, how am I to improve my combat programming when the local rifraf are hardly a challenge?"

"Challenge the Jedi to a spar later. Taking an enemy alive is supposed to be harder than just killing them and will provide you with more data to play with."

"Joyful Exclamation: Master, you do care."

* * *

**When HK Met Artoo**

"Observation: you are an R2 model astromech droid with the standard noobian mechanical service suite, an entirely unremarkable positronic brain, and no additional modifications."

Artoo whistled an affirmative.

HK gave a significant look to the four mercenaries that had been... bothering, the female meatbag. "Clarification: You are not equipped with any weapon modules?"

Artoo an uncertain but positive whirr.

"Clarification: You do not possess any combat protocols beyond repair and personal safety?"

The blurp sound the little astromech released almost sounded insulted.

"Query: Then what would you call this?" HK asked, indicating the mess of meatbags strewn on the ground.

Obi-Wan wasn't sure what the prolonged string of binary meant, but the enthusiastic shuffling, rocking, and dome motions gave him the impression that the little droid was quite fond of whatever topic the two were discussing.

"Request: Tell me more about this _Organic Intelligence_ maintenance. It sounds fascinating."

Obi-Wan had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

**Oh look, a Sith!**

"Query: Master, are you aware that the aging meatbag of Naboo is a Sith Lord or Darkside user of similar potency? If so, may I terminate it?"

"…How exactly do you know that?"

"Statement: My previous master equipped me with a suite of scanning criteria that would differentiate and identify an organic being that had experienced prolonged exposure to Darkside energies consistent with intentional use."

"You can do that?"

"Answer: I do not claim capabilities I do not have, master. That is a well-known organic mating ritual and I am a droid."

Artoo released a couple of whirs and whistles.

"Query: You found a medical unit doing _what_ to a zeltron the holonet?"

* * *

**Hello Again**

"Observation: Master, my scans indicate that your heart rate and reproduction functions are acting up again."

Anakin's eyes went wide with panic. "HK shut the-"

"Query: Are you quite sure that you do not intend to procreate with the noobian with a delightful penchant for disaster and impeccable weapons skills? I must say I quite approve of the match."

"Um... what?" Anakin croaked as both he and Padme tried and failed to suppress mortified blushes.

As soon as HKs photoreceptors got just the slightest bit brighter, they both knew they were about to regret Anakin's careless words.

"Observation: I have observed that the statistically impossible frequency with which you and your paramour find yourselves in unsolicited mayhem is an uncommon but quantifiable trait, master. It is hereditary. Coupled with the very likely possibility that your offspring will be Force-sensitive, I have calculated that any offspring produced from this pairing has a 92.778 % chance of exhibiting the same talent for chaos and a 42.103% chance of strengthening the trait."

"That... pleases you?" Padme asked, awkwardly.

Anakin groaned.

"Supposition: Madam, you and my master possess a talent for attracting violence in peacetime that rivals my previous master's ability to attract trouble in the middle of three galactic wars. The sordid exploits of your spawn will surely be the stuff of legends. Exclamation: I can hardly contain myself."

* * *

**A/N**

Once again, this is a **CHALLENGE** and a few prompts, not a story. Anything that gets posted for this is purely incidentaly and you should not wait on tenterhooks for more.


	2. Query: Will You Spar With Me?

**Challenge Concept**

HK-47 has managed to end up in some truly unlikely places and has made a sport of surviving situations that he had no business surviving only to resurface in some unlikely or convenient place. Why not resurface one more time?

A single point of divergence that leads to a VERY different galaxy as Anakin goes through life under the questionable influence of the galaxy's premier assassination droid.

**Required**

1\. This story is **not** to be taken seriously. Have fun, make us laugh, make yourself laugh while writing it!

2\. Point of divergence is Anakin using something containing HK's memories in the construction of what would have been 3PO; i.e. positronic brain, remote uplink programmed to retrieve backed up data, a poorly wiped data stick, etc.

3\. Enough of HK was left over to retrieve, repair, and propagate the rest of his memory through the new construct. In the end, HK-47 is back from the dead... again.

4\. HK meets R2... HK doesn't understand how such an inferior droid can be so effective in the ways of mayhem and decides to study him. They become the _best_ of friends.

5\. I would suggest that the Jedi take Anakin in order to have a positive influence on him for fear of what HK might convince him to do. After all, HK spent enough time around the old Jedi and Sith that he could teach the masters a thing or two and the hyper-conservative Jedi of the present worry about such things around normal students.

6\. Shmi gets free. Because HK would not allow such an obvious weakness to his master's security remain.

**Optional**

1\. It was canon at one point that if a Droid stayed sentient long enough it would develop a limited Force presence and could _potentially_ become Force-sensitive; though, the later was never confirmed.

2\. HK is HIGHLY offended by Trade Federation droids and proceeds to... _appropriate_ as many as he can for "correction." Long story short: he takes possession of said droids, he reprograms them, he retrofits them to his exacting requirements, and he will call them all "Minion."

3\. Qui-Gon lives. Why? Because HK is elated at the chance to fight a Sith again only to be somewhat disappointed when Maul fails to measure up.

* * *

**Greetings, I Don't Like You**

Mace Windu frowned. "We said for the boy to come in alone. Why is the droid here?" he demanded, leveling a very displeased look at a thoroughly defeated looking door guard.

The long-suffering look that nine-year-old Anakin Skywalker gave the Master of the Order was truly worth a thousand words.

"Statement: my prime directive is the safeguarding of my master's health and victory. As previous incarnations of the Jedi Council have undermined, betrayed, memory wiped, and generally made a nuisance of themselves where my previous master was concerned I have determined that neither my master or any ally of his should be left unattended in your care."

Mace blinked, suddenly off-balance. "Who was your previous master?" he asked before he could stop himself.

"Statement: before subordinating myself to Anakin Skywalker in thanks for his fastidious repairs and improvements, it was my great pleasure to be the companion of Revan Shan."

A deep well of dread rose up among the councilors... to be met by Yoda's boisterous laughter.

"Your designation what is?" the little green master asked once he had managed to calm himself.

"Statement: Greetings, I am HK-47 organic, cyborg relations. I don't like you, meat bags... except the little green one, he appreciates me."

* * *

**A Gift**

[This could apply to almost anyone]

"Statement: I thank the Jedi Order for its generous gift of an operational lightsaber."

"You stole his lightsaber?!"

"Query: Am I to understand that you did not, in fact, intend him as a courier to deliver this passable device to my exceptional service?"

"You stole his lightsaber."

"Correction: I took it upon myself to disarm and disable the meatbag that clearly did not know what it was doing with a lightsaber. Most would consider it a public service."

* * *

**Being Helpful**

[In which HK makes a lasting impression on most of the Temple]

"Hk... what are you doing?"

"Statement: Following your orders, master."

"I see... which orders would those be, exactly?"

"Quote: _I don't know,_ _go make yourself useful for a bit, I need to study_," the droid replied, playing back a recording of Anakin's careless dismissal from a few hours previous.

"And you are being useful by... capturing random Jedi in the halls?"

"Correction: I am improving the efficiency of your allies, master. They are woefully unprepared to deal with ambush situations and twice as inefficient at escaping when deprived of the Force. Observation: In most cases, practical experience is the fastest teacher."

"Oh, so _that's_ why the brig is so full."

"Statement: Indeed master."

"...Obi-wan is going to kill me," Anakin mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose in despair.

"Hopeful Exclamation: Do you really think he'll try, master?" HK asked, his photoreceptors shining with unholy glee.

Anakin was giving serious thought to sewing his own mouth shut.

* * *

**A/N**

A few more prompts that I had laying around. Also, for the record, if this ever gets picked up by someone I will post a prompt with an announcement and directions to the post.


	3. I Find Your Lack of Munitions Disturbing

**Statement: Greetings Meatbag**

So, this is a challenge born of a very long lecture about supply chain management and optimization given by one of the worst teachers I have ever had (1 Star on Rate my professor because we couldn't vote negative) and a few blurbs and prompts that I came up with for it.

Warning: This story is not to be taken seriously.

Don't even bother asking for permission, just message me when you post the first chapter.

**Challenge Concept**

HK-47 has managed to end up in some truly unlikely places and has made a sport of surviving situations that he had no business surviving only to resurface in some unlikely or convenient place. Why not resurface one more time?

A single point of divergence that leads to a VERY different galaxy as Anakin goes through life with HK's influence.

**Required**

This story is not to be taken seriously. Have fun, make us laugh, make yourself laugh while writing it!

Point of divergence is Anakin using something containing HK's memories in the construction of what would have been 3PO.

Enough of HK was left over to retrieve, repair, and propagate the rest of his memory through the new construct. In the end, HK-47 is back from the dead... again.

HK meets R2... HK doesn't understand how such an inferior droid can be so effective in the ways of mayhem and decides to study him. They become the _best_ of friends.

I would suggest that the Jedi take Anakin in order to have a positive influence on him for fear of what HK might convince him to do.

Shmi gets free. Because HK would not allow such an obvious weakness to his master's security remain.

**Optional**

It was canon at one point that if a Droid stayed sentient long enough it would develop a limited Force presence and could _potentially_ become Force sensitive; though, the later was never confirmed.

HK is HIGHLY offended by Trade Federation droids and proceeds to... _appropriate_ as many as he can for "correction." Long story short: he takes possession of said droids, he reprograms them, he retrofits them to his exacting requirements, and he will call them all "Minion."

Qui-Gon lives. Why? Because HK is elated at the chance to fight a Sith again only to be somewhat disappointed when Maul fails to measure up.

* * *

**Statement: I Find Your Lack of Munitions Disturbing**

**Grievous**

"Query: You are experiencing difficulty with this cyborg? I was told that Jedi did not tell jokes."

"What in the blazes are you talking about?"

"Statement: While the cyber-meatbag is a significant improvement on the Geanosians' woeful attempts at combat droids, I have yet to experience a problem that could not be solved with the proper application of explosives."

"What?" the Jedi wondered, but HK was no longer paying attention.

"Query: Meatminion, yes you, in the white. Where would I requisition a rocket launcher?" the assassin demanded.

The trooper shifted nervously. "I don't think I should be giving you one."

"Statement: A surprisingly sensible response from a 'soldier' carrying little more than a peashooter. I will acquire one from the... opposition."

[Because HK refuses to acknowledge the Clankers as worthy of being enemies]

* * *

**Troopers**

"Query: Jedi, where is the rest of it?" HK demanded.

"What?"

"Query: Your minions, where is the rest of their equipment?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Statement: heavy weapons, personal shields, vibroblades, heavy weapons, charges, fragmentation grenades, heavy weapons, ion grenades, target designator, heavy weapons, ration packs, medical equipment-"

"What would they need all that for?"

"Statement: I don't want to be on this planet anymore."

* * *

**Jedi**

"Query: Your plan is to rush the tanks with a lightsaber?"

"Yes."

"Clarification: The column of no less than twenty tanks with anti-personnel turrets and a sizable escort of cannon fodder?"

"Yes."

"Clarification: You don't intend to use the perfectly operational cannon emplacement?"

"I would never lower myself to use such a clumsy, uncivilized weapon."

"Statement: Jedi appear to have suffered an exponential decline in intelligence in the last thousand years."

* * *

**Quartermaster**

"Statement: No, we are not leaving until my master is properly outfitted."

"A Jedi does not-"

"Statement: As the leading expert on actual warfare on this planet, yes they do."

"But it will take days to get all of that together!"

"Statement: Then we will wait."

"But the war effort!"

"Statement: I am an assassination and bodyguard droid. Query: What part of that description implies that I care about petty things like statistics that used to be meatbags who are not under my protection?"

* * *

**Anakin**

"Incredulous Query: Master, your paramour is friends with karking Gungans?"

"Um... yes? She was the queen who made peace with them, remember?"

"...Statement: I want one of their infantry shields."

"I don't think that's how-"

"Correction: You will get me one of their infantry shields."

"HK you're being a bit unreasonable."

"Addendum: You will get me one or I will get me one."

"Never mind. The first offer was completely reasonable."


End file.
